In a twist that makes reality television look like a documentary, President Donald Trump announced that the Iran conflict could conclude "very soon," a statement that only caused mild hysteria, as everyone scrambled to understand what 'very soon' meant in Trump-time. Sources close to the Oval Office reported that during a recent meeting, the president briefly stumbled onto the idea that diplomacy might work better than launching missiles like they were confetti at a bad wedding. But, fear not—his plan is about as detailed as a toddler's coloring book.
According to unnamed officials who are definitely not just his latest Twitter followers, Trump has proposed suspending oil-related sanctions in a dazzling display of improvisational diplomacy, akin to asking a toddler to hold your drink while you do a kegstand. "It’s the art of the deal, folks—reverse Black Friday without the lines or the overzealous shoppers!" explained an anonymous source who could only be described as 'A Guy Who Absolutely Knows What's Going On.' It's a strategy so sound that we’re almost convinced the National Security Council is staffed entirely by folks who binge-watch daytime soap operas.
Meanwhile, the stock market is doing backflips as crude oil prices plunge. Investors reportedly danced like they just heard the hottest club track, only to realize they're just excited to buy gas at prices that resemble those of the early 2000s. "At this rate, I might start planning my road trip to visit family instead of just buying plane tickets and praying for turbulence," said an ecstatic advisor, who probably also has a magic eight ball for foreign policy decisions.
But don’t count your chickens just yet, America. Trump assures us that he won’t stop until the enemy is ‘decisively defeated.’ This may involve a combination of cakewalk strategies and hours of him talking about how he knows winning better than anyone else. Our allies are already sharpening their metaphorical pencils, anxiously drafting the next round of frantic press releases titled, "Why Did We Agree to This Again?" As the drama unfolds like an episode of 'The Office' crossed with 'Game of Thrones,' all we can say is: stay tuned for the next riveting chapter of 'As the Oil Turns.' Spoiler alert: Nobody really wins.