In a startling twist that makes nepotism seem like a legitimate career path, Iran has announced Mojtaba Khamenei as its new supreme leader. The new 'leader who has absolutely no experience but an overflowing amount of familial connections' was officially confirmed earlier today, sending waves of excitement through the air-conditioned offices of the Ayatollah's inner circle.
Mr. Khamenei is regarded by some as the ideal candidate, having spent his life diligently working his way up the family tree instead of the political ladder. According to an anonymous source from the Ministry of Transparency (our new favorite oxymoron), "When you’re born into a position, why bother learning the ropes? Just grip onto the nearest celebrity leader’s coat tails and ride it to the top!" Who knew generational privilege could propel an appointment in a nation like Iran?
With a reputation that rests on his ability to cozy up to influential family members, Khamenei is expected to efficiently deal with protests by simply turning the volume down. In fact, one seasoned political analyst, who requested anonymity to protect his sanity, was quoted saying, “Soundproofing is really what this regime needed. Why listen to citizens when you can just not hear them at all?” The brilliance of a mute approach will surely lead Iran to new heights — just as long as those heights aren’t, you know, freedom or democracy.
As we know, running a country is much like a family-owned diner; loyalty is everything, and the application pile gets thrown straight into the dumpster if you don’t share the same DNA. Given Khamenei's promising start, it seems Iran will continue its long tradition of graceful leadership transitions—by sheer will of the bloodline. With any luck, his first order of business will be to invest in hearing aids for those who mistakenly thought their voices mattered.